Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Trail Recipes

In the evening of August 2, I was camping behind an unfinished country house somewhere in Romania. I was feeling a bit hyper and cracked out the laptop to do some writing. Among other things, the following recipes came out. With no further ado, please allow me to introduce "Bryan's Trail Recipes", which are almost entirely true.
Tuna Salad Sans Salad
  1. Dump a can of tuna (in oil) on to an upturned pot lid.
  2. Liberally coat the tuna with mayonnaise.
  3. Add 2-3 tablespoons of mustard to taste.
  4. Wolf that shit down, then pass out in the middle of a field.
  5. Arise at daybreak.
The Cafeteria
  1. Go to a cafeteria.
  2. Order a salad.
  3. Maybe order another salad.
  4. Order some potato thing.
  5. I think that's meat? Yeah, some of that right there (point).
  6. Order vareniki, because I know what vareniki is.
  7. Pour a glass of juice.
  8. Get a cup of coffee from the coffee machine.
  9. Ooh, definitely one of those pastry things.
  10. Only pay 5 bucks for everything because this is Ukraine.
The Jar of Honey
  1. Buy a jar of honey.
  2. Eat the jar of honey.
  3. Discard the jar in an appropriate waste receptacle.
The Gas Station
  1. Stop at a gas station and realize how famished you are.
  2. Fugue.
  3. Suddenly find yourself sitting on the curb. Look down and find the wrecked carcasses of three candy bars and at least two ice cream bars.
The Mole
(A guest recipe by Stork, as witnessed by your chef Bryan)
  1. Use your beady little eyes to spy a mole burrowing close to the surface.
  2. Grab the mole in your wicked beak.
  3. The mole may squirm and resist. Try to crush his little head by tossing and catching it with your huge fucking beak.
  4. If that fails, drop him and skewer him heartlessly, five or six times, with your unbelievably menacing beak.
  5. Utter a hissing kiai, like a boxer, with each thrust. This will serve to thoroughly horrify any onlookers.
  6. Swallow whole the mole's lifeless, broken body.

But seriously, I ate a lot of food. I'm still eating a lot of food. While on the ship, it was difficult to get enough calories for the day. I can only fit so much food in my stomach at one sitting, and there were too few sittings in a day. (Three square meals? Preposterous!) I devised, but did not have time to implement, a strategy whereby I would go to sleep directly after the evening watch, and then wake up 1.5 hours later to attend 10pm fika.

Food > Sleep.